It’s been 3 months… 3 months without you. 3 months without your scent. 3 months without your cry. 3 months without your presence. 3 months without your smile. Without your laughter. 3 months without your exquisite existence.
Today, 3 months ago, I held you in my arms for the first and last time. But today, 3 months ago, I met you only to have you in my heart forever. Also, 3 months ago today you made me a mother. Into a very, very proud mother! Your strength and courage were exemplary and out of this world. You are and will always be my little man, my beautiful prince, the most important and special of my entire life. I love you with all of this crazyness that I have and that I will always have. I need you with all of my heart. And I miss you each second of this long and unfair life. The wind draws us closer. The sun makes me feel your warmth. Music reminds me of you. Light makes me know you are okay. Time lets me know that each second that passes is one less second that I have to live without you. And through the sky I see you every day. 3 months. 91 days. 2180 hours. 131,040 minutes. 7,862,400 seconds. Months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds don’t matter because not even time can separate us. Time has nothing against our love story, our eternal love for each other. Destiny, unfortunately, wanted us to live your entire lifetime in only 4 hours and 25 minutes but we, Enzo, we will live an entire lifetime together as mother and son forever! I will never let anyone or anything separate us. You are the most important and the most beautiful being I have in this life that is so cruel and cold. Life has never met anyone or anything so beautiful and so perfect. Enzo, I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you always. I’ve wanted you since I was little, I had you when I was an adolecent, and I will have you until I am old. I saw you on July 28, I see you everyday, and I will see you when I die. I am with you, Enzo. I am with you always for when you want to talk, when you need advice, when you have problems, when you fall in love, when you want to smile, laugh, or tell me a joke. Or for when you need to cry, scream, or laugh uncontrollably. Here I am. Here I am forever. To be your mother. To educate you, love you, protect you, listen to you, and cuddle you. Always. I love you Enzo. 3 months. 3 very difficult months. 3 very cruel months. 3 very long and unfair months. 3 months. But always, always and forever in my heart. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and always. It is not a goodbye, but a see you very soon my love. I love you forever Enzo, my beautiful baby, my perfect angel, the love of my life. I miss you pupo. Terribly. More than ever. You are my life. For ever and always- Enzo & Mami October 28, 2011 You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have...
TE AMO ENZO -Mama A Mask I Wear
There are tears behind my smile And a mask I wear...it's called denial Life is tragically to real ... From this loss I will not heal No one has a single clue How much it hurts...my losing you Although they think I'm doing fine Sometimes I feel I've lost my mind Memories are all that I have left After this terrible life theft A heart that hurts beyond control Deep down to my very soul There are tears behind my smile And a mask I wear...it's called denial I have cried with and without tears And have been doing so for years I have found no place to hide Carry all of this inside No earthly words that do explain The kind of life that does remain I look for signs most every day That you are close...not far away I play a game within my heart As if you never did depart There are tears behind my smile And a mask I wear...it's called denial Missing you my special child When you were here I truly smiled. ... ... I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one! - we love you, Enzo. it's hard to laugh but you are our smile. it's difficult to live but you are our every day. it's tough to breathe but you are our air. it's crazy to continue but you are our reason! we love you. we love you forever. & we miss you. we miss you terribly. we feel you. we feel you always. we love you. we love you. we love you. E N Z O . E T E R N A L . F O R E V E R . A L W A Y S . L O V E . H A P P I N E S S . B L I S S . G O O D N E S S . P U R I T Y . H O P E . F A I T H . S T R E N G T H . S U N S H I N E . C O U R A G E . A N G E L . S O N * te amo. Mama How can I continue to live in this cruel world? When all people see are my tears of weakness and my crazy yelling... but not the reason behind it. They don't see a mother who has just lost her child, they see a "weird" person who cries in public places and screams at her home.
How can I begin to climb this never ending staircase if, when I put one foot forth, people continue to run me over? This world is not meant for bereaved mothers and that makes this tragedy extremely more difficult. Am I supposed to walk around with a sign on my face that says I just lost a child in order for people to let me cry in peace? To let me scream if I need to? To not judge me but understand me. No, I dont even want them to understand me because they never will. Unless they have lost a child, then no one will ever understand. Or even feel a smidge of our pain. Your mother dying is not the same, or even close. Your dog dying, your friend, your brother... nothing. Nothing will compare to losing your child. Your newborn... nothing......... Someone once compared his abortion to my loss. I simply had no words to describe the tremendous error in that comment. I went to an infant loss support group recently and the rest of the mothers had one thing in common: they had all wished, one time or another, that their babies would have never existed... Difference between me and them,, I never wished that. Not when I was passing out from low blood pressure or when I had my head buried in the toilet from morning (all day) sickness. Not then, not now, not ever had I wished my son gone... but he left. I can't even feel understood at the support group. ... I just don't know anymore ... Not only does the worst thing in my entire life happen, but then we have to deal with not acting too weird or too sad or too angry so the rest of the world doesn't feel awkward. Really?! No, thanks... They say: he came to teach you a lesson...
... but they don't realize that sometimes it's a lesson learned and other times it hurts instead... You are like the ocean, like a never-ending clear blue ocean. Like the shining stars, like those bright yellow, glittering stars. You are like the sky, the moon, and the sun. You are always there. You are eternal. You are happiness, bliss, and love. I will always live with an empty heart and a broken smile. You are my missing puzzle piece. I am not complete without you. I am one with you. We are one. You are my one and only. You are my four leaf clover, my other half, "mi media naranja"... baby, you are my everything. I miss you so much, Enzo. If only people knew the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, the guilt, the ache, the confusion... if only. How do I continue to live without you? How? Why? I don't know how to... I can't. I would have been 32 weeks right now bubu. I would be... but I'm not. December 5th would be your due date. It would be... but it's not. How can life be so cruel? How does this exist? Why not me instead of you? Why us? If only things would have been different... if only... ... ... no words. I really have no words. I just don't know. You know, someone once asked me why I'm so crazy. If only they knew... if only they knew that my head goes from wanting to live forever in order to continue your legacy and tell your story, Enzo... ... to wanting to kill myself from the pain in my heart. From realizing that I'm never going to see you again until the day we meet again in heaven. If only they knew. If only they understood the confusion and the sudden changes in my every day... but they don't. And we have to take in all of their rude remarks... ... ... it's hard. It's really hard. I truly don't understand how life can be so cruel. I just don't... I love you E N Z O * Thank you for being the only happiness in my life. For being the reason for my existence. For giving me the tears and the smiles. I live for you. I love you and I miss you pupo. I really do. I'm hurting... please be close to mami. I love you so much. You are goodness, you are perfection. Please know that. I am sooo proud of you and I love you so much. There are no words, my love. Te amo. Te amo con locura! -Mama If I had just 5 more minutes…
I would lay you on my chest; your skin against mine. I would hold you close and breathe you in, slowly count your tiny fingers and toes, and admire those lips you got from your daddy. I would ask you to open your eyes so I could see what color they are. I would tell you how much we love you and how desperately we want you to stay. I would explain that although life can be cruel, alienating and, at times, nothing short of exhausting, there is so much that is good and right and pure and wonderful. There is so much joy and love to be felt, to be given and to be shared. Laughter so hard that your eyes stream with tears, your tummy hurts and you can’t catch a breath. The way the wind feels on your face when you’re flying down a hill on your bike. Hot sand in between your toes. Ice cream on a 40 degree day. Balloons. Trampolines. Flowers. Sand castles. Pancakes and maple syrup. The feeling of spring sunshine on your skin after a long, cold winter. Telling someone that you love them and really meaning it. Good films. Bad jokes. Fireworks. Road trips. Singing really loud in the car when no one is listening. Lazy Sunday mornings. Dancing all night. Your first pay check. Stepping over the threshold of your first house. Realising that you’ve found the person that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Finding out you’re going to be a parent... But, sadly, I won’t get the chance to tell you all of these things… because I’ve already had my five minutes. You came into the world on July 28, 2011 at 11:18pm. They laid your perfect little body on my chest and I realized I had experienced perfection. For 4 hours and 25 minutes, you stayed with me, and I never said a word. And then, at 3:43am on July 29, 2011, you left me and my five minutes had already gone... Oh Enzo, what I would give to have just one more kiss from you… imagine 5 more minutes! I miss you, oh do I miss you baby. But I don’t need 5 more minutes because you are eternally in my heart forever. I love you Enzo. I love you more than life itself. Mama |