warning. Strong winds. Lightning. Basements filled. Rain pouring. But I was not
scared. I am no longer fearing death. Because the love of my life is up there
waiting for me.
As I gathered his belongings to take to the basement with me, I could not
help but realize what I was doing. I was gathering my son’s ashes. His never
worn clothes. His teddy bear. His blankets. His pictures. Everything that should
have been his, everything that he should have used, everything that he should
be… except for him. I was not carrying a 23 month baby to the basement for
shelter, I was carrying his ashes. The pain was unreal. It numbed me. It caught
me off guard. And that’s when I realized that I am still a mother, even though
my son is not physically with me to prove it. It has been the first time, in 23
months, where I felt like a true mother. Like the ones I see every day, on the
streets, in my house, at the store… where they have their children in their arms
or in a high chair ready to feed them… I felt like one of them today. I was in
“ready mode” and the first and only thing that popped into my head was to take
all of his things to safety.
It was also a moment where I realized that if something happens to his things
it would destroy me to the very core. I have always feared something happening
to them (unexpected fire at my house and his things burned, etc.) but it has
been the first time that I experienced the danger of loosing his things first
hand.
It should not be this way. It shouldn’t. Why he’s gone I don’t know. And I’m
angry. I’m so hurt that I carried an urn of ashes to the basement instead of my
almost 2 year old. My arms wish to hold him. My eyes cry to see him. My voice
shakes to say his name. My heart aches for him. My life screams his name. I miss
him. With every inch of my body. And I love him with all of my insanity. He is
my every breath. It should not take a tornado warning to make me feel like his
mother. I should have him on my lap. But he died… and I died with him.
Enzo. You deserve the world. And I owe you my life. It’s yours to live, my
darling. I dedicate my every step to your bravery. To your courage. To your
love. To you. Forever.
Te Amo Hijo. Por Siempre, Para Siempre, Hasta Siempre.
scared. I am no longer fearing death. Because the love of my life is up there
waiting for me.
As I gathered his belongings to take to the basement with me, I could not
help but realize what I was doing. I was gathering my son’s ashes. His never
worn clothes. His teddy bear. His blankets. His pictures. Everything that should
have been his, everything that he should have used, everything that he should
be… except for him. I was not carrying a 23 month baby to the basement for
shelter, I was carrying his ashes. The pain was unreal. It numbed me. It caught
me off guard. And that’s when I realized that I am still a mother, even though
my son is not physically with me to prove it. It has been the first time, in 23
months, where I felt like a true mother. Like the ones I see every day, on the
streets, in my house, at the store… where they have their children in their arms
or in a high chair ready to feed them… I felt like one of them today. I was in
“ready mode” and the first and only thing that popped into my head was to take
all of his things to safety.
It was also a moment where I realized that if something happens to his things
it would destroy me to the very core. I have always feared something happening
to them (unexpected fire at my house and his things burned, etc.) but it has
been the first time that I experienced the danger of loosing his things first
hand.
It should not be this way. It shouldn’t. Why he’s gone I don’t know. And I’m
angry. I’m so hurt that I carried an urn of ashes to the basement instead of my
almost 2 year old. My arms wish to hold him. My eyes cry to see him. My voice
shakes to say his name. My heart aches for him. My life screams his name. I miss
him. With every inch of my body. And I love him with all of my insanity. He is
my every breath. It should not take a tornado warning to make me feel like his
mother. I should have him on my lap. But he died… and I died with him.
Enzo. You deserve the world. And I owe you my life. It’s yours to live, my
darling. I dedicate my every step to your bravery. To your courage. To your
love. To you. Forever.
Te Amo Hijo. Por Siempre, Para Siempre, Hasta Siempre.