We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new;
We thought of you yesterday,
And will tomorrow too;
We think of you in silence,
And make no outward show;
For what it means to lose you,
Only those who love you know;
Remembering is easy, we do it every day;
It’s the heartache of losing you,
That will never go away.
I have realized that I have not had the time to begin my grieving process. I wake up every single morning convinced that Enzo is still in my belly! It takes a minute to look up and see his pictures everywhere which sends my hopefull mind into a deep depression. It all happens so quickly. Waking up thinking Enzo is alive and continuing the day knowing he's not...
Ever since Enzo has passed, I have not had a day where problems and people don't make my, already difficult, situation even worse. I've had problems with Enzo's death certificate which caused him to be in the funeral home for 7 days! I've had problems with the doctor refusing to give me Enzo's chromosomal test results back. Once she did, there was a completely different diagnosis on it... which no one has been able to explain until the 28th. So as I write this blog, my mind and heart are thinking that I killed my child.
I've had to go in for an emergency surgery due to the fact that the doctor delivering Enzo failed to check for placenta left in my uterus. Almost 2 months later, they finally realized that I had lots of placenta in there and that I had to take it out immidiately before an infection occurred that could have scarred my uterus and prevented me from having more children. I went to the emergency room today, a day after the surgery, with a temperature of 103 thinking the surgery could have given me another infection...
At the emergency room, the nurse felt like she needed to advice me on my situation and said: "you need to move on. you need to get a job, move out of your parents house (the only reason I'm at my parents house is because my husband left me) and enjoy your life. you need to study, do something with your life. you're young. you're beautiful. don't let this ruin you. move on" - after about 30 minutes of me cussing at her straight... I realized that I have no more strength to give life. As depressed as I was when it was all happening, I made a promise to always have the tiniest bit of strength to live my life for Enzo. As the days went on and the problems kept coming and stupid people kept talking... that promise has truly taken a turn for the wrost. I don't want to live anymore. I tried and life has not
DO NOT GIVE ME ADVICE on how I should remember Enzo, forget Enzo, live without Enzo... who I should believe in, what I should do and not do, when I should cry. DO NOT!
I've been re-living this tragedy for the past 2 months, not being able to sit down and remember his strength, his courage, his beauty, and his amazing existence. I'm constantly being reminded of that moment at 3:43am on July 29 when his powerful beating heart stopped...
Why did this happen? Why did my Enzo have to go? I honestly cannot believe this. Is this really my life? Did he really go? Why...? Enzo, where are you bubu?!?! Come back my love, I need you so much. I miss you more and more each second of my horrible life. My broken heart needs you to mend. Pick up the pieces for mommy and come back to me, Enzo. Please....
Enzo, sos el unico que tengo & el unico que necesito. Gracias mi amor, por siempre estar. Por ser, por existir. Gracias Enzo! Te amo hijo. No se como explicarte lo tanto que te amo... simplemente te pido que veas dentro de mi corazon, y ahi te daras cuenta el amor que te tengo pupo. Sos mi vida. Mi presente y mi futuro. Mi existencia y mi religion. TE AMO!