struck, when I had no idea what was to come. It's psychologically traumatizing to know that destiny had me marked with an "X" since I was born, while I was dancing in my underwear in the living room, while I was taking that vacation to France. Why? And I don't mean- why me- but rather, WHY ENZO? I feel guilty. Not just for the induced labor or the fact that my body could not form him correctly internally but because I am doing things for him, that I think he would appreciate and be proud of, and sort of denying he's passed. I find myself having these attacks when I realize that he's truly gone... forever. The pain of those moments is sincerely devastating. Isn't it crazy how we use all of these
phrases (you are the love of my life, I would do the impossible for you, etc) without taking time to really look in depth at its meaning. Some things we say are so intense that they are not true: would you do the impossible for someone? Like actually do it? Well, I used to say phrases like that left and right... I now know the true meaning of each and every single one of those words. Those phrases I say everyday to Enzo and they have lost their meaning, but they are the closest words to how I feel. Along with that, before Enzo, my emotions were insane. I would cry for this, scream for that, get angry for this and that. I was young, spoiled, and stupid. Again, I now know the true meaning of those emotions. My crying doesn't just represent true sadness now but an immense
devastation. My screaming doesn't just represent anger but a huge hole in my heart. My anger doesn't just represent meanness but a true confussion as to why life is so unfair!
I feel a sense of guilt across my chest that prevents my heart from feeling content. I have a load of regrets that pushes down on my body and prevents me from walking freely. I have constant thoughts of why, what if, and the prescious moments we spent with our son that prevent me from thinking about anything and anyone else. I love those feeling, yea they destroy me inside, but my breast milk is gone, my bleeding has stopped, and my baby is gone... those feelings are the only thing I have.
All my body had to do was make my baby healthy. All I would have to do
afterwards, is give my baby the best life I possibly could. My body didn't make a healthy baby and therefore, I wasn't able to give my son the wonderful life he deserved.
To all of those who have not lost a child, please do not speak. Do not give us advice, do not even open your mouthes in front of us because you just dont know. I am not now or ever will I be in the mood to hear you say stupid things or completely disregard my child. The pain and complete tragedy we have gone through and continue to feel is too far from your reach, so do not speak unless it is to talk about my baby boy, his existence, his beauty, his strength, and his time on earth. No, my baby is not irreplaceable! No, I will not stop speaking of him (or speaking of him in the present tense). No, I will not put away his pictures! Are you serious? No, I will not ever forget him, stop talking about him, or fail to keep his memory alive. Do not get in the way of my son's memory
and me because it will be serious.
*Personal Experience: I recently signed on to my mom's facebook (I do not have an account) and saw this teenager who my grandma used to live with, pregnant. About 4 months I would say. It absolutely tore me apart. I go to read that she posts as her status that she really misses "MY NONA" (her grandma- when it's actually my grandma) and that she hoped she could be there with her to go to her first ultrasound. Well, let me tell her something... MY NONA (not her grandma, it's MY grandma) is with MY son, Enzo. Not with her, her baby, or her ultrasound. My grandma is my grandma and is taking care of her family which is Enzo... I go on to find that my mother has posted a comment on her status saying: congratulations my sweet goddaughter (not her official goddaughter, not even related... but they call each other that out of love, I guess) enjoy every minute of it because being pregnant is
so beautiful!
What? My mom knows I read her facebook because I go on it to read the Potter's Syndrome group on her page. First, seeing her pregnant just cut my heart in two. Then, reading her comment that she wishes MY grandma was with her. What? No, my grandma is with Enzo... thank you very much. And third, reading my mom's post that she is so happy for her... when, less than 3 weeks ago we lost our baby. I was beyond sad to read all of this. Beyond jealous of her healthy pregnancy.
Also, I continue reading and I read that my aunt had posted a happy birthday sign to my mom's wall. My mom replies and says: thank you, how is everyone? My aunt quickly replies: My babies are soooo perfect and beautiful!
What? Are you serious? Is it necessary to go that far or even mention them at all when you know what we have just gone through? Can people please have a bit of a brain and give me at least a month before being abnoxious about how perfectly helthy and alive your children are?! So jealous. I have lost all respect for my aunt... for my family because no one but my parents, brothers, godmother, and ONE cousin have actually reached out to me since Enzo passed. That will be the last of them in my life... no doubt whatsover.
The gap between mothers of angels and mothers of children is so huge. They will never understand. They will never be able to say the right thing or even begin to comprehend our pain. Can they at least have 2 cells in their brain to avoid saying stuff like that when we have gone through something as horrifying as this? I never want to hear about their happy babies and healthy pregnancies. Not even when I have more children. Because I will always have an angel baby and they never did. I will always have that HUGE piece in my heart missing and they never will.
It's not fair... it's just not fair. The only thing that made me different
from the rest of the other expectant mothers was that "X" that destiny had placed on me since day 1. I don't know how or why I was the one to get that damn "X" but it has been and always will be the worst "gift" life could have ever given me. Writing that sentence has made me realize the contradiction of my feeling toward it. Yea, having lost Enzo is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me... EVER, but then again, Enzo is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Crazy.
I seem to always say the same words about Enzo... but my mind has so many beautiful words and inspirational thoughts to say about him but I just can't seem to write them down correctly. I adore him. Simply that, I love him with absolutely every part of my being. I miss him through to my very core. I think of him always and always I will. I love him forever and forever it will be. He has been and always will be the sun to my rainy days, the smile to my sadness, the laughter to my anger, the life within me, the love of my life.
Te Amo Enzo, Por Siempre. && Te Extraño Muchisimo. CAMPEON!
E - Eternal
N - Noble
Z - Zoetic
O - Open-hearted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.
E- Eterno
N- Niño
Z - Zurdo (seras?)
O - Original
- Mami